The Alice Hunt Blog

The story of Alice Hunt

Bullet Trains

How do things move at such a quick pace?

So the day after I found out about taco ex’s kid, I broke up with my boyfriend because I realized that I don’t and probably never would love him as much as I did my ex. It wasn’t fair to keep dragging him along, so we broke things off.

Then a few days later I start seeing a guy that I’ve known for many years and we technically are dating now. Damn I move at super-sonic speed. Part of me thinks it was a bad idea for me to jump into this so quickly. 

So then the day before yesterday, my ex texts me and we argue all night long. He wants another chance and doesn’t think I should have broken up with him. He made a lot of good points, like I don’t tend to share my feelings with anyone. And I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress with my crazy parents and work and school. Our relationship had really suffered.

So here I am trying to slow this bullet train down and not make anymore foolish decisions. So I’m making no decisions at all. I’m just waiting until I can trust my brain again. And who knows when that will be.

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The Sky is Lime Green

It’s really hard to be the scapegoat in the family.

You get in an argument with one person and then the other family members join in tearing you down. It doesn’t matter if you’re correct or not. Someone could say that the sky is lime green and I would say “No, it’s blue” and then suddenly I’m being attacked from all sides. One person will argue with me about whether the sky is lime green or not. The other will then argue with me about my perception of colors. And then the other will argue with me about my knowledge of color theory.  And of course I’m wrong. And I must either accept that the sky is lime green or huff off to my room and ignore them all.

It really hurts that my sister, Brianna, is so brainwashed into thinking I’m so awful. And stupid. She likes to shove my lack of college experience in my face, even though she hasn’t gotten into college, yet. I know I don’t have a degree, but I try not to talk about things I don’t know. I wish she could see how much I care about her. And I wish she would stop seeing me as the enemy.

He Has A Kid

I just got a text from taco ex.

I apologize in advance because I was getting drunk with my friend. So I don’t even know if I’m making sense.

He has a kid. We had broken up for such a short amount of time, and he got that chick pregnant. And got back with me. Then broke up with me. And now has a kid.

I feel so wrong saying this, but that kid was supposed to be ours. We were supposed to have kids together. We talked about it. It was mostly his idea. And then he left. And he now has a kid.

WTF!!!??? How do you deal with something like that. I was fucking drunk when he told me. I’m in shock. Dude… I’m hurt. But this isn’t about me. I just have to remember that. It’s not about me.

So I’m guessing we’ll never get to be together after this. Never. So I have to find a new soulmate. It hurts so bad. It’s never good to be sad and drunk. Happy drunk is so much better. I was supposed to be having fun instead of hurting. I feel stupid. Loving this guy. And he has a child. A son. That should have been my child. His child. Not hers. Why? Why do I care? Why is ‘why’ the most difficult question to answer?

I don’t think I’m sober enough to delve into this. I’ll discuss/think about this later. Fuck. My heart has been broken. Why? Anyways… I’ll talkm to you you later.. I have no soul mate anymore. It’s the end. Gosh.

Another Chat With The Ex

As the title says, I had another chat with my ex (you know, the taco guy). His name is Henry, now that he’s decided to be a repeat character in my life story.

Henry was supposed to be “the One”. I was never more sure of anything in my life than being with him. It never even crossed my mind to be with someone else. It had crossed my mind to leave him a couple of times, because he was very immature and I was too mature and too immature all at the same time. But there was part of me that never doubted we should end up together in that path towards forever.

Then came the collapse. It was dramatic and painful and messy. Like an atomic bomb. I have hated him with so much passion it could have turned my hair red. 

Back to the story…

So I was talking to him again today on Skype. I was really hoping that he was drunk from St. Patty’s Day, but he was as sober as I am. I was a bit disappointed in his sobriety, because it’s so much easier to pull information from him when he’s loosened up. 

Instead, I got nothing out of him. All my questions are still piling up in my head. And I’m just fucked. I don’t love my boyfriend and I’m trying to pull away. And I’m looking to get blown up if I keep talking to Henry. But it’s hard when you know someone so well. And they know you so well. I can read him like a book and he “reads me like a dirty magazine”. His words.

I have to focus on myself. I can’t go anywhere without me. I’ll have to wait for the future like everyone else. Maybe there’s better.

My History Has Been Rewritten

I just had a brief argument with my little golden child sister, Brianna. 

It all started with me mentioning that I like the Dalai Lama. He’s a hero of mine and I look up to him and Buddhism has always made the most sense for me. But my sister started attacking my beliefs and calling me stupid for thinking that Buddhism is a good religion.

Then we got into the topic of school. And how I was a failure. And that’s why I switched schools. 

The things that came out of her mouth shocked me. She so strongly believed that I am this failure and a nobody and worthless. She doesn’t believe that I got A’s and B’s in school because my parents treated me like shit and called me a failure for every B I received and every missed homework assignment. I was never good enough. And yet, she got straight B’s her first year and my parents didn’t care. They were proud of her. And therefore, I couldn’t have done better than her.

It hurts deep inside because now I realize that I can’t trust her. She is too far gone to the influence of my Narcissistic parents. She has defended them and let me know that I am worth less than the dirt under her shoe.

I have no family now. It is just me against these things that call themselves human, but are truly soulless wraiths. And I am trapped here by my own failing body and the efforts of my “family” to keep me down in my worthless position. Give me my wings so I can fly away and forget this place and become whole.

This is the moment that Chapter 2 starts.

A Quick Update: A More Complete Version

Like I said earlier, I’ve been working 7 days a week, two jobs, with job number 2 asking me to work some hours before I go to work at job number 1. I’m so tempted to say ‘no’, but I definitely need the money.

Job number 1 has been absolutely insane. We’ve had two people quit on the same day. One because of the poor management we have, and the other one I have no idea. But I’m glad the second girl is gone because she’s been a huge problem. And at least it means we’re getting more hours to work which means more money. And I’m looking forward to catching up on my debt. Then I might be able to do something fun and relax.

I just need to pay off this month’s credit card bill and $200 bucks and I’ll be caught up for at least this month. That would be a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. And then that stupid company would stop calling me every hour. They use four different numbers to call me, and they start at 9: 50ish and continue almost hourly until 7pm. It’s an absolute nightmare. And they’ve treated me like sh*t from day one. They wont even let me quit my subscription. Grrr.

Then there was my visit with my ex.

It was a spontaneous meeting. It was a bit unexpected to both of us. We went out for some tacos over by where I live. We talked about everything. Well, I did most of the talking and he did most of the listening. It felt incredible to have someone listen to me. Someone who listens to me about my crazy mother. He didn’t realize how bad it was. As I kept talking about all the things that have been going wrong lately, he just looked shocked. Talking about how my mother guilts me into not eating. Her controlling my money. Trying to ground me at 20 years old, now 21. My school problems and health problems. I’d been keeping it in for so long, dying for someone to just listen to me and be understanding even if they don’t fully understand it.

Then I finished my talking and we sat across from each other at that hard, plastic table and things got quiet.

We looked each other in the eye searching for…something. My eyes were filled with pain and exhaustion. His were open to his cavernous soul.

What was he looking for in my eyes? He finally broke the silence, his voice softer than it had been.

“I wish I had gone walking with you when you asked. I miss cooking with you in the kitchen. I remember you saying something about everything falling into place when you’d go walking. Thinking about how our relationship was heading. I was really immature back then, and I’m sorry.”

My heart cracked when he said that. I have been waiting two years for him to say that. Two long, painful years wishing he would come around. Wishing he would grow up  and stop being so damn selfish.

And when he finally gets it, it’s too late to make things right. I’m in a relationship, he’s too busy, and I just couldn’t trust him enough to  give him another chance with my heart. Even if I could. I cannot tell the future, but I think we are doomed to be separate.

Then there is my mother, trying to play puppeteer with my life. Making plans for my life and trying to influence me to follow her path to hell. But I’ve found some scissors to cut the string and free myself.

But my friend might not be moving after all, so I’ll have to find my own way to get free. I must learn to be patient.

 

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A Quick Update

What a crazy week. I have 5 minutes to write this all down before I have to get ready for work.

I’ve been working 7 days a week with both my jobs. Then I get a call from someone asking me to work some more hours before I go to job number 1. I really need the money, but I’m so damn beat from working so much.

Work has been crazy. People have been quitting left and right and I don’t blame them. If I could I would put in my two weeks right now.

Dang, two minutes left.

I payed off part of my credit card. I still have to pay that stupid company all their money but they really don’t deserve it. I just need to get paid, and soon. Get them off my back for a while.

And I visited my ex. It was a strange experience. But he bought me food. I was so happy to eat. I think I said “thank you” for the food a minimum of 10 times.

Well, time’s up. If I get ready for work quickly I’ll finish my update in more detail.

xxoo

Alice Hunt

Freedom, Maybe?

I might be moving out soon. My fingers are crossed.

A friend of mine has been trying to get a three bedroom apartment (because they tend to be a lot nicer) but she and her mom just can’t afford it by themselves. So adding me to the mix could be a great opportunity to escape from my mother’s evil grasp. And it would make rent pretty cheap.

I can almost taste the freedom. Not having to worry about being caught on the computer. Not worrying about trying to hide college progress. Having the freedom to eat. 

I was staying with my boyfriend for a night and we got pizza. It’s not food I’m supposed to eat, but no one was there telling me I shouldn’t be eating it, or I’m going to get fat, or I’m going to get sick. I didn’t have to hide the fact that I was eating. It was an incredible feeling. I bit into that hot, greasy, pepperoni pizza savoring every bite. Normally I’d shy away from anything that greasy, but I licked the grease from fingers. It was like heaven. 

I’m looking forward to the possibility of cooking. Of cleaning. Being able to go out at night for a walk if I’m feeling claustrophobic. Painting and taking pictures. Working and knowing that I’m taking care of myself. Freedom.

Controlled with Food

My relationship with food has been pretty usual for people who have been abused. Or at least I’ve had a strange relationship with food because of it.

In elementary school, I used to throw away food in my school lunches. I have no idea how I came up with this or why I did it, but my mom still likes to bring up how I threw hundreds of dollars in food away. I was bullied a lot in elementary school, and being around so many other kids often made me uneasy. I would sometimes go eat my lunch in the bathroom. I felt safe in the small stalls.

As a freshman in high school, I moved in the middle of the school year to go to another school. I had a hard time fitting in when I first arrived, and the scariest thing I had to do was buy lunch food. For the first few weeks, I didn’t. I just starved. Then my mom started making my lunches. After a while I started throwing those away too. I avoided food as much as I could, but I would get so hungry. I hated food, and yet I craved it. After telling the counselor at my school that I was anorexic, she had to tell my parents and they grounded me. That solved my anorexia but didn’t solve my issues with food.

I still struggle with wanting to be skinny but loving food too much. I’m not fat, but I weigh more than I’d like.

I’m sick, so I have to eat a certain diet. It’s pretty restrictive, but it’s one of the healthiest diets out there. But it cuts out a lot of foods my family eats all the time. Like no wheat or certain other grains. No rice. That means no bread, no tortillas, no pasta, etc. All foods that my family eats on a daily basis. But there are a lot of stuff that I can eat that my family eats. But my mother never buys those foods anymore.

A while ago, they were making fun of me for not sticking to my diet. Then my mom said, “I never buy food Alice can eat so that she’ll have to buy her own food. But she just breaks her diet whenever it’s convenient for her.”

Let me repeat that one more time. “I never buy food Alice can eat so she’ll have to buy her own food.” I am living with them because I can’t afford to live on my own. I’m broke all the time for everything else I have to pay. 

On top of buying foods I can’t eat on purpose, they pretty much harass me when I eat. Or they’ll get mad at me for eating leftovers because “I was saving that for your father”. It’s not like they tell me. So then I won’t eat leftovers, I’ll make myself something to eat and I’ll get yelled at for not eating the leftovers.

I just went out to make myself some food before I go to work, but my mom was sitting out there. I know if I had made some food she would have yelled at me for making a mess in the kitchen. She wants the kitchen clean when she makes food tonight. It doesn’t matter that I won’t get off work until after midnight. So I’ll have to go to the store and buy myself some food. With money that I don’t have. Because my mother has decided she needs my paychecks. Thankfully I’m smart enough to skim $40-60 bucks off my paycheck. That usually is enough to pay for my meds and lunches as long as I stay under 3 bucks/day for food.

I can’t wait until I’m free and will be allowed to eat.

17 Days Until My 21st

Welp, it’s only 17 days until my 21st birthday. And I’m nervous as hell.

I am absolutely dreading my mom’s reaction to me turning 21. I know she’ll want to join me for alcoholic beverages or try to weasle her way into my birthday plans. Which I don’t even have, yet. Seriously, what is there to do in LA for your 21st?

My goodness. I have no idea what to do. And I’m the oldest out of almost all my friends. I’d almost prefer to just go out by myself and go exploring. Or pamper myself in a hotel all by myself. Ooh, I know this awesome place where you can get a one hour full body massage (without taking your clothes off) for just 20 bucks. Yeah, you read that right. $20. That is definitely going on my to-do list.

Oooh now I’m getting excited. Gosh, does it have to take so long to get here?

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