Like I said earlier, I’ve been working 7 days a week, two jobs, with job number 2 asking me to work some hours before I go to work at job number 1. I’m so tempted to say ‘no’, but I definitely need the money.
Job number 1 has been absolutely insane. We’ve had two people quit on the same day. One because of the poor management we have, and the other one I have no idea. But I’m glad the second girl is gone because she’s been a huge problem. And at least it means we’re getting more hours to work which means more money. And I’m looking forward to catching up on my debt. Then I might be able to do something fun and relax.
I just need to pay off this month’s credit card bill and $200 bucks and I’ll be caught up for at least this month. That would be a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. And then that stupid company would stop calling me every hour. They use four different numbers to call me, and they start at 9: 50ish and continue almost hourly until 7pm. It’s an absolute nightmare. And they’ve treated me like sh*t from day one. They wont even let me quit my subscription. Grrr.
Then there was my visit with my ex.
It was a spontaneous meeting. It was a bit unexpected to both of us. We went out for some tacos over by where I live. We talked about everything. Well, I did most of the talking and he did most of the listening. It felt incredible to have someone listen to me. Someone who listens to me about my crazy mother. He didn’t realize how bad it was. As I kept talking about all the things that have been going wrong lately, he just looked shocked. Talking about how my mother guilts me into not eating. Her controlling my money. Trying to ground me at 20 years old, now 21. My school problems and health problems. I’d been keeping it in for so long, dying for someone to just listen to me and be understanding even if they don’t fully understand it.
Then I finished my talking and we sat across from each other at that hard, plastic table and things got quiet.
We looked each other in the eye searching for…something. My eyes were filled with pain and exhaustion. His were open to his cavernous soul.
What was he looking for in my eyes? He finally broke the silence, his voice softer than it had been.
“I wish I had gone walking with you when you asked. I miss cooking with you in the kitchen. I remember you saying something about everything falling into place when you’d go walking. Thinking about how our relationship was heading. I was really immature back then, and I’m sorry.”
My heart cracked when he said that. I have been waiting two years for him to say that. Two long, painful years wishing he would come around. Wishing he would grow up and stop being so damn selfish.
And when he finally gets it, it’s too late to make things right. I’m in a relationship, he’s too busy, and I just couldn’t trust him enough to give him another chance with my heart. Even if I could. I cannot tell the future, but I think we are doomed to be separate.
Then there is my mother, trying to play puppeteer with my life. Making plans for my life and trying to influence me to follow her path to hell. But I’ve found some scissors to cut the string and free myself.
But my friend might not be moving after all, so I’ll have to find my own way to get free. I must learn to be patient.