The Alice Hunt Blog

The story of Alice Hunt

A Fork in the Road

A few things happened this week to get me thinking about what would be best for my future and my sanity.

My mother told me she doesn’t love me. And she said she buys food I can’t eat on purpose so I’ll have to get food myself and cook myself food. Then she said “Just kidding”. It reminded me of high school. “OMG you’re such a whore! Just kidding!” said in that annoying valley girl accent. Is that what I get for living on the west coast?

Even though my mother didn’t use a valley girl accent, it still had the same format. “I’m telling the truth right now, but because it’s harsh and I don’t want to sound like a bad person, I’ll follow that with a ‘just kidding’. This removes me from all guilt I might have.” There was no sincerity in her voice.

I’ve known my mom doesn’t love me for years, but hearing her admit it broke my heart. I cried while driving to work. For the next two days I felt like I had no soul. I was numb. It was like an unexpected breakup with a person you had an unhealthy relationship with, but you tried to make it work. Alas, there’s no moving out or removing myself from the situation. I’m stuck here for a very long time.

Then there was the whole “Why aren’t you graduated yet?” and then less than an hour later while doing my homework, she comes in and demands that I clean my room and bathroom and do dishes and stuff. Because I have all this time in the world to be doing my homework. (I’m pretty sure that was the part I actually rolled my eyes at her)

And here is where I get to the point of this whole post. I have a couple options from here on out. I’m working on a degree that I don’t really want anymore, but have payed the tuition (by myself, don’t believe my mom when she says she payed for it) and I would hate to waste all that money. I’m working two jobs, one that I hate and the other that I love. Neither is giving me enough to pay for the essentials in life. So I’m trying to figure out what my next move should be, and here are the options I have come up with.

  1. Continue on with what I’m doing. Graduate and then go back to school for what I really want to do with my life. Keep the two jobs I have until I get my business off the floor. Keep living with these crazy people until I can afford to live.
  2. Quit these classes I don’t want to take and start on a degree I want. Or not even bother with classes and just work on getting a certification. Work on school once I actually have the freedom to do homework. Still live with these crazy people. Keep the job I enjoy and expand that business with the certification.
  3. Work out a ton until I’m really fit. Take some pole dancing classes and become a stripper. Use my sales experience to make a decent amount. I figure if I can manage more than $10/hr for 5 hours of work, three nights a week, plus keeping my second job I’d be able to afford the cost of living. Then I’d have time to do homework and such. Last time I was living on my own I was ahead of everyone else my age in job and education department. I know that in a healthy environment I could focus on what’s important.
  4. Go find Hogwarts so I can turn my parents into frogs.

Well, let me know if you have any ideas or advice. I could use all of it.


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2 thoughts on “A Fork in the Road

  1. Oh, I love the Hogwarts option. If only! But I think staying in school and finishing the degree–as long as it’s something you can use, the proverbial thing to fall back on. And why are you still living with her? I know my mother doesn’t love me; there was an incident (just posted on daughtersofnarcissisticmothers) where I realized she didn’t and it still depresses me no end. But I always think: okay, write about it. Even if it is never published, even if I hit the delete key after every paragraph. A rotten experience can be a gift of material for a story or a sculpture or just wisdom. I just read Augusten Burroughs THIS IS HOW and it’s got humor and practical advice. Think you might like it. But in general, I think you should talk to yourself as if you were the mother you’d like to have (kind of like Katniss Everdeen in THE HUNGER GAMES) And say, “Ok, now I’m going to do this,” and give yourself compliments when you do it well and say “OK, better luck next time if you don’t complete it as you wish.) But be pragmatic. Have a five year plan or something–like, “OK, finish degree by June, move out in August when I have enough money, work this job til I know exactly what I want to do.” And if you don’t know, then make enough money to travel–I know this is an old chestnut (but I’m old. . . I’m nearly 56) it is true that “travel broadens the mind!!”

    • I live with her because I am disabled. She is helping me out by paying my medical expenses and giving me a rent-free place to live. But every time I start to get my life in order and start saving up money, she finds something new for me to pay.

      Last year I made about 12k. With rent averaging 1k a month, that means I would have nothing left for existing.

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