Controlled with Food
My relationship with food has been pretty usual for people who have been abused. Or at least I’ve had a strange relationship with food because of it.
In elementary school, I used to throw away food in my school lunches. I have no idea how I came up with this or why I did it, but my mom still likes to bring up how I threw hundreds of dollars in food away. I was bullied a lot in elementary school, and being around so many other kids often made me uneasy. I would sometimes go eat my lunch in the bathroom. I felt safe in the small stalls.
As a freshman in high school, I moved in the middle of the school year to go to another school. I had a hard time fitting in when I first arrived, and the scariest thing I had to do was buy lunch food. For the first few weeks, I didn’t. I just starved. Then my mom started making my lunches. After a while I started throwing those away too. I avoided food as much as I could, but I would get so hungry. I hated food, and yet I craved it. After telling the counselor at my school that I was anorexic, she had to tell my parents and they grounded me. That solved my anorexia but didn’t solve my issues with food.
I still struggle with wanting to be skinny but loving food too much. I’m not fat, but I weigh more than I’d like.
I’m sick, so I have to eat a certain diet. It’s pretty restrictive, but it’s one of the healthiest diets out there. But it cuts out a lot of foods my family eats all the time. Like no wheat or certain other grains. No rice. That means no bread, no tortillas, no pasta, etc. All foods that my family eats on a daily basis. But there are a lot of stuff that I can eat that my family eats. But my mother never buys those foods anymore.
A while ago, they were making fun of me for not sticking to my diet. Then my mom said, “I never buy food Alice can eat so that she’ll have to buy her own food. But she just breaks her diet whenever it’s convenient for her.”
Let me repeat that one more time. “I never buy food Alice can eat so she’ll have to buy her own food.” I am living with them because I can’t afford to live on my own. I’m broke all the time for everything else I have to pay.
On top of buying foods I can’t eat on purpose, they pretty much harass me when I eat. Or they’ll get mad at me for eating leftovers because “I was saving that for your father”. It’s not like they tell me. So then I won’t eat leftovers, I’ll make myself something to eat and I’ll get yelled at for not eating the leftovers.
I just went out to make myself some food before I go to work, but my mom was sitting out there. I know if I had made some food she would have yelled at me for making a mess in the kitchen. She wants the kitchen clean when she makes food tonight. It doesn’t matter that I won’t get off work until after midnight. So I’ll have to go to the store and buy myself some food. With money that I don’t have. Because my mother has decided she needs my paychecks. Thankfully I’m smart enough to skim $40-60 bucks off my paycheck. That usually is enough to pay for my meds and lunches as long as I stay under 3 bucks/day for food.
I can’t wait until I’m free and will be allowed to eat.