The Alice Hunt Blog

The story of Alice Hunt

Archive for the tag “Narcissism”

The Sky is Lime Green

It’s really hard to be the scapegoat in the family.

You get in an argument with one person and then the other family members join in tearing you down. It doesn’t matter if you’re correct or not. Someone could say that the sky is lime green and I would say “No, it’s blue” and then suddenly I’m being attacked from all sides. One person will argue with me about whether the sky is lime green or not. The other will then argue with me about my perception of colors. And then the other will argue with me about my knowledge of color theory.  And of course I’m wrong. And I must either accept that the sky is lime green or huff off to my room and ignore them all.

It really hurts that my sister, Brianna, is so brainwashed into thinking I’m so awful. And stupid. She likes to shove my lack of college experience in my face, even though she hasn’t gotten into college, yet. I know I don’t have a degree, but I try not to talk about things I don’t know. I wish she could see how much I care about her. And I wish she would stop seeing me as the enemy.

A Fork in the Road

A few things happened this week to get me thinking about what would be best for my future and my sanity.

My mother told me she doesn’t love me. And she said she buys food I can’t eat on purpose so I’ll have to get food myself and cook myself food. Then she said “Just kidding”. It reminded me of high school. “OMG you’re such a whore! Just kidding!” said in that annoying valley girl accent. Is that what I get for living on the west coast?

Even though my mother didn’t use a valley girl accent, it still had the same format. “I’m telling the truth right now, but because it’s harsh and I don’t want to sound like a bad person, I’ll follow that with a ‘just kidding’. This removes me from all guilt I might have.” There was no sincerity in her voice.

I’ve known my mom doesn’t love me for years, but hearing her admit it broke my heart. I cried while driving to work. For the next two days I felt like I had no soul. I was numb. It was like an unexpected breakup with a person you had an unhealthy relationship with, but you tried to make it work. Alas, there’s no moving out or removing myself from the situation. I’m stuck here for a very long time.

Then there was the whole “Why aren’t you graduated yet?” and then less than an hour later while doing my homework, she comes in and demands that I clean my room and bathroom and do dishes and stuff. Because I have all this time in the world to be doing my homework. (I’m pretty sure that was the part I actually rolled my eyes at her)

And here is where I get to the point of this whole post. I have a couple options from here on out. I’m working on a degree that I don’t really want anymore, but have payed the tuition (by myself, don’t believe my mom when she says she payed for it) and I would hate to waste all that money. I’m working two jobs, one that I hate and the other that I love. Neither is giving me enough to pay for the essentials in life. So I’m trying to figure out what my next move should be, and here are the options I have come up with.

  1. Continue on with what I’m doing. Graduate and then go back to school for what I really want to do with my life. Keep the two jobs I have until I get my business off the floor. Keep living with these crazy people until I can afford to live.
  2. Quit these classes I don’t want to take and start on a degree I want. Or not even bother with classes and just work on getting a certification. Work on school once I actually have the freedom to do homework. Still live with these crazy people. Keep the job I enjoy and expand that business with the certification.
  3. Work out a ton until I’m really fit. Take some pole dancing classes and become a stripper. Use my sales experience to make a decent amount. I figure if I can manage more than $10/hr for 5 hours of work, three nights a week, plus keeping my second job I’d be able to afford the cost of living. Then I’d have time to do homework and such. Last time I was living on my own I was ahead of everyone else my age in job and education department. I know that in a healthy environment I could focus on what’s important.
  4. Go find Hogwarts so I can turn my parents into frogs.

Well, let me know if you have any ideas or advice. I could use all of it.

Why I Am Afraid of Everything

Folding laundry can sometimes lead to enlightenment. I was folding up a pair of blue checkered pajamas when I suddenly understood why I am afraid of everything. Well, not everything. I’m not Mr. Monk.

It’s my parents. No, seriously. When I was little, my dad told me that you could get sucked in through the shower drain. For many years I would huddle in the far corner of the shower or sit on the far side of the tub while giving the drain the evil eye so that it wouldn’t suck me in and drown me. It took until 6th grade for me to realize that this just wasn’t possible.

I think my dad was talking about whirlpools, but for many years I was terrified of bodies of water. I still get nervous at the beach. But beaches have jellyfish and sharks and riptides to be worried about.

I’m also afraid of needles. Terrified of them. And now I remembered that my parents used to say “And they’ll have to stick a really big needle in you” or “they’ll have to cut you open” to see if I was serious about how sick I was feeling. And I was very young when they would say this to me. The earliest I can remember them saying something like this is when I was 5-ish. No wonder I have a panic attack when I get shots or like the time when I got my wisdom teeth removed.

There were so many things that I was afraid of because my parents felt the need to let me know the dangers of everything. There could be murders in my closet waiting to kill me. If I’m walking down the street I could be kidnapped. If my appendix bursts, I’m going to die. I could fall and crack my skull open. I could get a tapeworm and I would die. If I go somewhere heavily inhabited by black or Mexican people, they will see that I’m white and kill me. If I go out in the cold I could get frostbite and lose a limb.

And this list of ways I could die or get hurt just goes on and on.

I wish I could say that I learned all this recently. But no, my parents have been feeding me this since I was in preschool. Why would you tell someone so young that people might try to kidnap them and kill them and leave them in the desert for the vultures? (I think this is why I also have a fear of autopsies after I die).

My parents have been controlling me with fear!!! How dare they?! They keep me in their grasp by telling me all these horrible things and making me believe that they are the only thing keeping me alive and safe. They make me afraid of  taking even sensible risks.

Well now I know how they’ve been brainwashing me. I don’t have to let it continue.

Inspiration Came To Me In A Very Loud Voice

Sometimes inspiration is difficult to find. Other times, it calls you and accuses you of things you never did and ignores you when you tell your side of the story.

That is what happened to me just a few hours ago. You call out for some inspiration, sometimes you will get your answer in unexpected ways.

 It all started with my bank account. It’s empty. I spent way too much money on Christmas presents for people and I don’t get paid for my job for another day. And my gas tank was running dangerously low. So low that to even make it to the nearest gas station, I would have to use a good deal of Newton’s law of motion: A body in motion tends to stay in motion. That means rolling along without using gas for as long as you can manage.

So I walked into the tv room and plopped myself down on the sofa.

“Where are you going?” said the mother.

I need to go get gas. Can I borrow some money? I can’t afford it until I get paid.

“You already owe us $xx dollars! Don’t you have money?”

No, I spent it all on Christmas presents and I don’t get paid for a few more days. I put on my best pouty face.  After some haggling, they let me borrow their credit card.

 I go fill up my tank with the amount my parents let me borrow and then head over to a friend’s house to watch a movie to cheer me up after my breakup with my boyfriend.

We’re sitting on the couch curled up in some fluffy blankets when I get a text.

“What is happening? Is everything okay? Should we call the cops?”

Huh?

Then I get another text. “Where r u? Gassing car does not take half an hour.”

I’m at a friend’s house watching a movie.

“Where’s our credit card?”

I have it.

 

Then my phone starts ringing.

Hello?

“Where are you?”

I’m at a friend’s.

“Why didn’t you tell us where you were going? We don’t care that you were going to see a friend, but I don’t know why you’re keeping all these secrets!” My mom yells into the phone. I am in a completely different room from her with the door semi-closed, but my mom is yelling so loudly into the phone that my friend can hear everything she is saying.

“What is with all the lies!? You just keep sneaking around. You didn’t tell us where you were going!”

At this point, I am so angry at these accusations that I break my silence. I told you where I was going! You and I were talking about it before I left! You came into my bedroom and I told you I was going over to friend’s house. Even sister joined the conversation!

“You never said anything to me. Even your father had no idea where you were going”

THAT’S BECAUSE WE DIDN’T DISCUSS IT WITH HIM! That conversation was between you and I. He was nowhere near the conversation!

This went on for what felt like a good hour, but probably only lasted 10 minutes. Her yelling at me, accusing me of being sneaky and lying to her and not telling her I was going out. She ignored everything I said, because no matter what, I was wrong.

 

“Oh my god” said friend. “I was getting anxious just listening to her”

 

I wanted to write about some of the stuff she does, but I was having a hard time remembering things. It’s not like this is a rare occurrence. It happens almost daily in some form. But this was a perfect example of some of her worst behaviors.

There was gas lighting (telling you that something never happened or you’re remembering it incorrectly), and there were strings attached to the money (made me promise to pay her even though I just made a payment to her), and the most obvious was her Narcissistic Rage. Screaming at me through the phone and accusing me of lying and being sneaky.

 

I’m very proud of myself through all of this, though. Generally, I let my mother get her way. I give up trying to prove my side and find a way to agree with her without really agreeing. I accept my punishment quietly (she still grounds me even as an adult) even if I didn’t actually do anything wrong. Not today. Today I refused to back off. She pushed, and I pushed back. And I did win. It was a small victory. But she did give up. “Just put my card on the table when you get home. I’m not staying up for you”. What a laugh. It was past midnight when I got home, she’s normally asleep by nine. I put her card on the table and she just happens to be filling up a glass with water. “Oh, you’re home”. And then off we go to our bedrooms and shut our doors. Like nothing happened. And if you ask her tomorrow, or a week from today, she’ll say it never happened at all.

Why I Am Choosing To Write

My name is Alice Hunt. 

This blog is mostly for myself. A little bit for someone who might be going through the same thing. But for myself most of all.

My mother (and I suspect my father, also) has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

This doesn’t mean she’s vain and is concerned primarily with her looks. It does not mean that she is secretly insecure and that is the reason she is the way she is. This is a part of her personality that just cannot change.

There are nine symptoms of narcissism. In order to be a true narcissist, you must have at least 5 of the nine symptoms. (Gotten from MayoClinic.com)

1. Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
2. Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power or beauty
3. Believing that you are special and can associate only with equally special people
4. Requiring constant admiration
5. Having a sense of entitlement
6. Taking advantage of others
7. Having an inability to recognize needs and feelings of others
8. Being envious of others
9. Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

 

At some point or another in my life, my mother has exhibited all of these symptoms. And so has my father (but I’m still not sure of him yet).

This is my story. This is so I have proof, so that I will not think that I am crazy anymore. This is so I can have support. This is for my entertainment.

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