Sometimes inspiration is difficult to find. Other times, it calls you and accuses you of things you never did and ignores you when you tell your side of the story.
That is what happened to me just a few hours ago. You call out for some inspiration, sometimes you will get your answer in unexpected ways.
It all started with my bank account. It’s empty. I spent way too much money on Christmas presents for people and I don’t get paid for my job for another day. And my gas tank was running dangerously low. So low that to even make it to the nearest gas station, I would have to use a good deal of Newton’s law of motion: A body in motion tends to stay in motion. That means rolling along without using gas for as long as you can manage.
So I walked into the tv room and plopped myself down on the sofa.
“Where are you going?” said the mother.
I need to go get gas. Can I borrow some money? I can’t afford it until I get paid.
“You already owe us $xx dollars! Don’t you have money?”
No, I spent it all on Christmas presents and I don’t get paid for a few more days. I put on my best pouty face. After some haggling, they let me borrow their credit card.
I go fill up my tank with the amount my parents let me borrow and then head over to a friend’s house to watch a movie to cheer me up after my breakup with my boyfriend.
We’re sitting on the couch curled up in some fluffy blankets when I get a text.
“What is happening? Is everything okay? Should we call the cops?”
Then I get another text. “Where r u? Gassing car does not take half an hour.”
I’m at a friend’s house watching a movie.
“Where’s our credit card?”
I have it.
Then my phone starts ringing.
“Where are you?”
I’m at a friend’s.
“Why didn’t you tell us where you were going? We don’t care that you were going to see a friend, but I don’t know why you’re keeping all these secrets!” My mom yells into the phone. I am in a completely different room from her with the door semi-closed, but my mom is yelling so loudly into the phone that my friend can hear everything she is saying.
“What is with all the lies!? You just keep sneaking around. You didn’t tell us where you were going!”
At this point, I am so angry at these accusations that I break my silence. I told you where I was going! You and I were talking about it before I left! You came into my bedroom and I told you I was going over to friend’s house. Even sister joined the conversation!
“You never said anything to me. Even your father had no idea where you were going”
THAT’S BECAUSE WE DIDN’T DISCUSS IT WITH HIM! That conversation was between you and I. He was nowhere near the conversation!
This went on for what felt like a good hour, but probably only lasted 10 minutes. Her yelling at me, accusing me of being sneaky and lying to her and not telling her I was going out. She ignored everything I said, because no matter what, I was wrong.
“Oh my god” said friend. “I was getting anxious just listening to her”
I wanted to write about some of the stuff she does, but I was having a hard time remembering things. It’s not like this is a rare occurrence. It happens almost daily in some form. But this was a perfect example of some of her worst behaviors.
There was gas lighting (telling you that something never happened or you’re remembering it incorrectly), and there were strings attached to the money (made me promise to pay her even though I just made a payment to her), and the most obvious was her Narcissistic Rage. Screaming at me through the phone and accusing me of lying and being sneaky.
I’m very proud of myself through all of this, though. Generally, I let my mother get her way. I give up trying to prove my side and find a way to agree with her without really agreeing. I accept my punishment quietly (she still grounds me even as an adult) even if I didn’t actually do anything wrong. Not today. Today I refused to back off. She pushed, and I pushed back. And I did win. It was a small victory. But she did give up. “Just put my card on the table when you get home. I’m not staying up for you”. What a laugh. It was past midnight when I got home, she’s normally asleep by nine. I put her card on the table and she just happens to be filling up a glass with water. “Oh, you’re home”. And then off we go to our bedrooms and shut our doors. Like nothing happened. And if you ask her tomorrow, or a week from today, she’ll say it never happened at all.